I am interested but unsure about HITBODEDUT, which is personal prayer. So I found this wonderful site.
I am making some questions based upon what I am reading.
This is my meditation for the evening.
I am a non-Jew… in this transmigration. I think we are all related through Adam and Noah and Abraham and Isaac and Jacob/Israel and maybe sometimes souls move up and down that ladder in an attempt to raise sparks. Sparks themselves that are so entrenched in the broken physical shells, their yearning for connection to B’reshit, their Beginning, so great that they shine multiple colours through the broken glass, their lights pulling up other sparks. Tikkun Olam.
I have been walking the way of halacha for so many years now and I have come so far I have no other way to walk. No matter how far forward I move I stand at the edge of a chasm between myself and G-d. It is up to G-d to lift us up to Him. We cannot do it ourselves.
But we are physical/spiritual beings, and that physical shell of ego that we are cannot know G-d. So how can we pray? My physical eyes cannot look inside but sometimes I feel The Divine just peeking out through my eyes and laughing.
I have to get back to saying Modeh Ani and Shema and Amidah and Adon Olam and Hashkiveinu, and on and on. The Siddur is daunting and people have to find their own way though it. We have to find the time to connect with The Divine Spark within ourselves and bring it into this world.
And as for personal prayer, what right do I have to ask for personal help, for selfish things. And The Divine, who is looking out of our eyes and our source of True Joy is asking us “What makes you so special that you think you don’t need help from G-d.”
And for that I have no answer (but the below might help).
Still no answers, because answers are illusions of the ego, but Torah may give me more questions which, G-d Willing, may increase my yearning for The Divine.